i don't wanna make the same mistake for a second time...
but the mistake seems so beautiful...
in fact, i don't feel wrong at all.
but i already made a promise...

I'm in the state of hating myself...
It's like... I've been waiting for this, but when it came, something in my heart tells me don't...
I hate it.
Really.

Saint 319

in fact, not many people know that I like to dance...

no, I LOVE it...

okay, maybe just dancing randomly, but whatever. I called it dancing, anyway.

jauh sebelum saya tau k-pop, saya udah suka menggerakan badan kalo denger musik. mau cuma uget-uget badan atau tried to copy the dancer but end up failing, itu udah biasa. dan sempet beberapa kali pengen les dance, tapi tiba-tiba keinginan itu menguap begitu saja.

then, sempaknya gue menemukan sebuah komunitas cover dance yang membuat gue teringat kembali akan keinginan untuk les dance itu. dan sempaknya lagi komunitas itu bukan dari Indonesia.

they called themselves Saint 319 or St319

here's their youtube link

berawal dari kekepoan gue dengan dance BoA di lagu Only One yang cetar membahana badai melintir prikitiw, seorang teman menyarankan untuk searching St319 di youtube. dan voila, bukannya belajar nge-dance gue malah mupeng pengen les dance. bangke.

mostly sih mereka nge-dance lagu k-pop, tapi gerakannya itu lhoooooo!! mirip semirip-miripnya! how in the earth?!

jadiiii... inti dari gue nge-post ini adalah...

gue mau terbang ke vietnam. trus gabung sama saint 319.

...

menurut ngana aja deh yaaa...

pokoknya gamau tau! gue harus bisa nge-dance juga! sebagus mereka! atau lebih bagus dari mereka juga gapapa! jadi, yang punya info les dance di sekitar jakarta selatan, plis kasih tau!!

no matter how hard it is,
I will always smiling like an idiot
- Park Chan Yeol

Friends?

There’s no such thing as a real friend

It may seem like there is but there’s not

At some point, they end up hurting you

and it sucks because it’s your best friend

you think they would be the last person to hurt you

but that’s normal

they made a mistake

we make mistakes everyday so how can we judge?

just hope that friend is worth getting hurt for

this person you may known your whole life and have fun with

but it may not be the same person when problems come are the first to leave

always keep one eye open

sometimes i say fuck friends because there always the ones to cross you

but that doesn’t mean not to have friends at all

shit sooner or later your gonna get hurt

just be smart on picking your friends

because honestly the 2 most important things in life are love and friendship.

saya ga akan pernah bisa jadi dia
dan dia ga akan bisa jadi saya...
tapi saya mau kamu menerima saya
tanpa harus saya menjadi dia...

betrayal

hypocrite
reality bites
shit happens
broken heart

betrayal
hypocrite
...

midnight

Here today gone tomorrow
Washed away all my sorrow
There will be a time when I will come and find you again.

Leave the light on your window
I just might try to follow
There will be a time when I will finally find you

But midnight close my eyes I’m tired I’m fading
I am only human, Searching
Places I wont go where your name are written
We’re all only human, faking

Stay a while fill my hollow
Till the sky turns to yellow
There will be a time when I will come and find you again.

See the time has gone too narrow
They’ll be things you can’t borrow
There will be the day when I will finally find you

song and lyrics by: Adhitia Sofyan
about the song : can’t go to sleep, that special someone annoys you in your thoughts, and it makes you exhausted.

everyone's pretending
you're pretending
I am pretending

why do we always faking a smile?
isn't smiling is a good thing?

pretending

faking

oh well, what should we do now?

pretending again
faking again

this is going to be so much fun

he'll never be yours, right?

I know it too well so stop asking that question.
let me and my pathetic imagination create my own fantasy about us.
so shut up and take care of your own business,
biatch.

I need a new motivator....

for my life
for going to college
for studying
for learning
for smiling
for screaming
for everything....

because little did I know, I'm pretending after all this time...

saya senang...

akhirnya bisa ngobrol sama anda meskipun cuma lewat dunia maya...

tapi yang terpenting, anda bisa bikin saya ketawa lagi.

saya ga tau...

Saya ga tau kalo ikhlasin seseorang itu sama aja dengan menutup pintu hati saya buat yang lain. saya ga tau kalo satu cowok aja bisa berpengaruh besar dalam hidup saya.

Apa sayanya aja yang lebay?

Yang jelas hati saya tertutup lagi setelah kemarin terbuka sebentar. Begitu saya mau buka lagi, ternyata saya salah masukin kata sandi. Hati saya tetap tertutup. Padahal hati ini saya yang punya, saya yang ngerasain, saya yang jaga dari dulu, tapi bisa-bisanya saya salah kata sandi.

Saya curiga ada satu sosok yang tau kata sandinya, dan kemungkinan besar dia juga punya hak kepemilikan atas hati saya. Tapi sayangnya, siapa orang itu, di mana dia berada, saya juga ga tau.
Kalo udah begini, saya bisa apa? Saya aja ga bisa masuk ke hati saya sendiri, gimana orang lain?
Sekarang saya cuma berharap, siapapun orang yang tau kata sandi hati saya itu muncul dihadapan saya dan buka hati saya dan plis, jangan kasih kata sandi itu ke orang lain lagi. Masuk aja, dan kunci dari dalem. Tentunya sama saya juga, yah.

Saya sudah cukup berdosa dan merasa bersalah sama orang-orang yang udah dengan setia nunggu di depan. Saya ga bisa ngomong apa-apa lagi selain “Maaf ya, tunggu bentar” sampe akhirnya saya harus ngomong “Maafin saya, kayaknya kalian ga bisa masuk untuk saat ini. Dateng lain kali aja yah,”

Sudah cukup 3 tahun kata sandinya berpindah tangan dan pada akhirnya ga ada yang bener-bener masuk, cuma numpang buka dan pergi gitu aja setelah ganti kata sandi diam-diam. Saya ga mau ini jadi tahun yang ke-4. Plis, saya capek nunggunya!

Dan lagu dari Miley Cyrus yang berjudul The Climb yang menemani saya saat menulis tulisan ini seakan memberi dorongan kepada saya untuk terus mencari siapa orang itu. Orang yang tau kata sandi hati saya.

"There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna, wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb"

sometimes things fall apart, 

so better things can fall together

I really want to believe this words, but still...

behind the stars

inspired by: Behind the Stars, song by Adrian Martadinata

slow motion

I know that you've been calling me,
And I'm happy that we met.
Don't think that I'm not interested.
I'm just playing hard to get

So much about this crazy game they call love
That I'm trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I?

You seem to know just what you want
And I like your confidence
Some things a girl should never rush
Cause If you do you hurt yourself

So much about this crazy game they call love
I'm still trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I

I'm too young for tears in the night
And it's to soon for this to be right
Don't wanna mess with your pride
The questions not when but why

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
I Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't... I

I don't know why I really love this song. Maybe because I kept on saying to myself:
"why can't I love you in slow motion?"

galau

kemaren melewatkan smtown jakarta...
dan sekarang terancam ga nonton big bang...

rasanya mau nangis. beneran deh.

awalnya saya kira dia sama saja
sampai akhirnya dia melakukannya
melakukan hal yang sudah lama tidak dilakukan orang lain
hal yang menurut saya tidak mudah

menertawai dunia

alangkah indahnya jika semua orang seperti dia
tanpa harus muncul di tv
tanpa harus menjadi orang lain
dengan lancang dia membuat saya tertawa
dihari pertama kita bertemu
dihari itulah saya tanpa sadar merindukannya

instan?
tidak ada yang bisa menandakan saya bahagia kalau bukan tertawa
dan dia,
tanpa harus menunggu hari pertama, kedua, dan seterusnya
sudah berhasil membuat saya tertawa
dan itu berarti dia juga berhasil membuat saya bahagia

semuanya dia lakukan dengan mudah
termasuk menghentikan tawa saya

padahal saya baru saja akan tertawa bersama dia
padahal saya baru mau membalas tawanya
tapi dengan satu jentikan jari, dia menghentikan semuanya
tawa saya
kebahagiaan saya

kebahagiaan yang selama hampir 3 tahun tidak saya rasakan lagi
tawa yang selama hampir 3 tahun tidak selepas sebelumnya
namun dalam waktu 3 minggu
dia sudah membuat dan menghentikan tawa dan kebahagiaan saya

things that I love...

I love music
I love chocolate
I love to think about silly things
I love ice cream
I love the smell of rain
I love doing weird dancing
I love to sing when I’m happy
I love reading traveler’s book
I love daydreaming
I love Jared Letto
I love Tae Kae Noi
I love Kinder Joy
I love Switzerland
I love reading
I love jumping round and round
I love movies
I love beach
I love cuddling
I love sleeping
I love getting excited
I love Jack Skellington
I love kids
I love laughing at silly things
I love Kai
I love G-Dragon
I love to act randomly
I love tattoos
I love watching Home Alone over and over again
I love body painting
I love coffee
I love martabak
I love surprises
I love how people smiling
I love to doodle
I love how my mom understands me
And
I love you

things i should be

that's include loving you, hey jerk

stay strong

and I said this to myself...

I can’t. I’m sick of playing this fucking game. It’s not fair for me to love you like this when you’re not real.

Not that it's going to warm your heart and suddenly make you feel sweet to him, or anything. He's still a jerk. An irritatingly attractive jerk.

Without all my presence, there is nothing. There is actually, exactly, really nothing.
I’m really just a stranger to you, and this relationship is all just a play.
It’s just another novel. Fabrication. Everything.